The best and worst of Topshop coats this season (warning: distressing images)

It is slowly coming towards the time of year where it gets a bit colder, the days get shorter and everyone inevitably ends up with a cough. Unless of course you live in England, where a brief respite during mid August shook us from the never ending coldness we are now well rehearsed in. Summer was a good week. I only really stopped wearing a coat around end of May/beginning of June, and come early September I was back wearing one. Marvellous.

Sadly it seems the high street has not considered the somewhat arctic temperatures blowing their way around Sheffield this October – if Topshop’s current range of coats is anything to go by.

And with that, Ladies and Gentlemen, I present: The Best and Worst of Topshop Coats This Winter:

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Coat number one, eloquently called the “Longline Slouchy Coat” is probably my favourite. Long enough to not make you reconsider trouser choice every morning, but not to the extent that it drags on the floor in a Cruella De Vil-esque style. Also aptly coloured so that if the day gets too much you can roll around in the grass and no one will notice. What more could you want from a coat? It also comes in grey, if your colour palette is similar to mine (non existent).

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Coat number two (the “Heavy Duster Coat“) is also a great option for those of us with bad circulation (aka myself) who rely heavily on layers for warmth without looking like a snowman. It’s harder than you’d assume, especially as purple fingers and toes is not often a look I tend to reach for. According to the reviews it comes up oversized, meaning not only will it keep you warm, it’ll boost your self esteem by letting you order a smaller size than usual. Cheers Topshop, it’s like you knew what I was looking for in a coat and rolled it out specially in oh, such an appropriate colour.

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And so we reach the final of the ‘best’ of Topshop coats. To give them their credit, there’s a strong chance they’ll add about a hundred more in January when coat season is over everyone is bored sick of their original grey coat. This is the “Slouchy Boucle Wool Blend Coat” and exceeds the others in that the salt and pepper colour scheme will subtly hide fluff, dirt, and whatever else you usually spill on coats…as long as it’s a shade of grey. One thing I really enjoy about this coat is that even the model is wearing nothing but black and grey, and that’s all the excuses I need to keep my entire wardrobe the same shades.

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And so we come on to the other end of the spectrum – Topshop’s not so good choices for coats this year. First up we have the “Faux Fur Trim Lightweight Parka“. I’ve chosen to show a photo of the back of this one purely because this is the most distressing element. I also feel subconsciously the model is happier facing backwards as a sign of defeat in having to wear the coat. You know sometimes the fur on these sorts of coats can blend in with your hair, and it looks like you’ve grown a mane? I think the only potential from this coat is that it will never happen. Whoever decided to pair royal blue with army green obviously considered this as their main priority. I have nothing against this style of coat generally, but the contrast between the blue and green just ruins it all for me. Plus, what would you pair it with?

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I feel like I’m getting into routine of showing the backs of these coats, but Topshop seem to have given a very vague photo of the front – possibly to trick convince more people to buy it? I’m not sure this even counts as a coat, and it’s only featured for being on the ‘coats’ page of the website. The “Ombre Feather Gilet” is currently reduced from £95 to £50, so snap up a bargain now if you want to look like a very fashionable ostrich. I get the impression that this ‘coat’ (I can’t really bring myself to call it that without an ironic laugh) would be appropriate for a fancy dress party and not much else. Maybe great if you’re wearing elbow length gloves, otherwise what’s the point when it gets colder?

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The worst part about this coat is that it’s from the Premium section of Topshop. That’s right – there is someone out there willing to pay upwards of £600 for this coat. The “Premium Patchwork Sheepskin Coat” looks like a very colourful version of an Eskimo jacket, and will cost you £695 for the privilege. Think how many coffees you could buy for that price. You could most likely buy a small (admittedly rather poor) car for that price. Really Topshop? This coat has the advantage of simultaneously matching and clashing with every single item of clothing you own, all within a few patches. There are not many coats you can say that about. What an achievement, Topshop.

And so the end is nigh – we have reached the end. Congratulations Topshop, for providing us such a huge variety of coats to adorn ourselves with this winter. The possibilities are endless.

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